Christmas...

So my Christmas was ok. Family came from Edmonton (first time I've seen my cousin Mitchael since dad's funeral). My uncle Dean watched FIVE movies in the TEN HOURS he was over... We played lots of fooze-ball (I REALLY suck at it). Everyone was here, all of dad's family... I still think sometimes that this is all a dream but, its been almost two years and I know that I'm not dreaming I just wish I was. I've been thinking about all the things that I have done in my life, the good and bad. Mostly the bad I guess. I feel so judged and I believe that I am the one judging myself, not everyone else. Just me. Things are only going to get worse as the year goes on and mom gets more... picky... about where I want to go. She's going to try to keep me as close to her as she can but, really, I'm already far away. I just need a break that she won't give. Time to be completely myself and by myself. Without some of the memories. Why is life so difficult?

Relationships

So a friend of mine (not naming who) is having problems with a few relationships (girl-guy ones). Aww the joys of liking two people at once and not wanting to hurt either of them. I've given that friend some advice but if anyone has some other advice please post it on here and I'll be sure it gets to that friend of mine. Maybe others can get some free advice from this too! I'm having problems with relationships too, but I would say that they are more complicated then that. Well thats for you guys to decide. If anyone reads this and I'm talking about them I'm sorry really but... well you may understand why I'm saying this. It may be nothing, just the regular PMS or annoyances that come with every relationship. I still love you!
One person who will be reading this is Kirsten (sorry but I'm just getting things out and I think you deserve to know this too). Sometimes its just to much to handle when someone is trying so hard to be good and do good, seriously its like they try to out shine everyone around them. It makes everyone feel worthless... (If this is hurting sorry, its hurting me to say this, but I have to) And the complaining about small and insignficant things, its sounding like everyone else at school and in the world. Its annoying! I feel so awful for this, don't take this personally please and if you do forgive me and you can tell me how you feel about me if you want and it can be as ugly as you want. You have always been there for me when I needed to talk, you have always tried to make me feel good about myself (don't try to hard), and you are always making the best out of a bad situation which is good most of the time.
Aaron... my own brother... Well, some people know what I'm going to be talking about. Him and his ignoring me. I ask him if he would like to do something with me (like teach me guitar or write a song together) and he's like "I'm busy", then he goes and creates a band with friends and hangs out with them, teaches his girlfriend how to play guitar. Wow you're are SO BUSY you can do all that! Like, frick! What are you saying!? This is our last year of high school and you want to spend all that time with friends and not your family? Like I know you may not see them ever again and you'll see me during holidays, but still! We are family, related, we see each other everyday, we know each other more than anyone else (at least I hope so!). Can't you see that we are falling apart because you are running here and there and we just want to spend time with you, make some amazing memories of this year, before we move on in life?
Another relationship problem... God and myself. God is definitely reading this and knows exactly everything thats happening. I guess I'm still mad at him for taking someone so special and important in my life. So sudden... less than a week! I'm mad at him for all the injustices I face in life.
Now Paul won't be reading this but I'm really disappointed in myself because of him. I don't blame him entirely, there is also myself that I have to put into the equation there. But what he said that one day really ticked me off and upset me. I wish he could know this but I've abandoned the idea of ever talking to him again... Sometimes I wish I could just go up to him and tell him everything but thats impossible.
Well, I think I'm done venting. Now on to another relationship problem. Joel. What to do about that is one tough question and-- one reason why I love my brother-- I was given some advice, though I may not have liked it, it made lots of sense. The advice was basically this:
"Don't do anything stupid, and ruin a good relationship. Just be good friends right now and trust your heart (which is God speaking) in what you should do."
Good advice, I'd say, don't know why he didn't follow it himself...
Music has been a big blessing, it calms me right down when I'm not in a good mood. Hmmm Casting Crowns, Josh Groban, Starfield, Relient K, etc.
Well I've got to go I've been on here for more than two hours (oops).

Ok so I thought I'd stick some of the songs that I wrote on here...

Everything I Want to Be

If you really love me,
Why would you let this happen to me?
Why would you cause such pain in my life?
Is this some kind of test?
Something for my faith?
Is this supposed to draw me close?
Am I supposed to say…
I love you,
I need you,
Without a care?
Well I do,
I’d be nothing without you.

Chorus
I wanna be the stars in the sky,
The cold winter air tonight,
To fly on the wings of eagles.
I wanna be the clouds passing by,
The rain falling from on high,
And everything I want to be,
Is in you.

Are you trying to teach me a lesson,
For all the things I shouldn’t have done?
I have been trying to change,
Is it not enough anymore?
Why can’t things go back to the way they were,
Where I was so much more happier?
Am I supposed to say…
I love you,
I need you,
Without a care?
Well I do,
I’d be nothing without you.

Chorus (2x)


This one needs a little more work I think...

God’s Song

Why can’t he realize,
Everything I have done?
He can’t see anything,
Why have I tried?

He can’t see something in me.
My heart cries for him to see.
I’ve tried so hard to make him…

Chorus
Realize, realize,
In me. (2x)

Someday he’ll realize,
What is in me.
Though he can’t see anything,
Someday he’ll see.

He can’t see something in me.
My heart cries for him to see.
I’ve tried so hard to make him…

Chorus (4x)



Unsolved Mystery

You are the artist of all nature,
The assurance of my salvation.
By faith I am your child,
Part of some greater plan.

You are the healer of my spirit,
My beautiful, heavenly Father.
I am a sinner, you sent your son for me,
To die for all sin.

Chorus
You are great and wonderful,
You are my comforter,
You are my hope and laughter.
You’re unsolved mystery.

I gave my life to you, Father,
And try to hold on to you.
You’ve taken me on a journey,
But its not done.

Chorus

Holy, might, awesome God,
Ruler of all the earth.
I am you humble servant,
You are my precious friend.

Chorus (2x)

You’re unsolved mystery…


Wrote this one with some friends...

A New Beginning (by Gillian, Kirsten, Tiffany)

I’ve been looking at my past,
Its always been me against You.
I don’t know how long I may last,
And now I turn myself to You.

Chorus
Let Your presence fall like rain,
May Your spirit descend as dew.
Let the morning bring my Saviour,
May Your love restore me in You.

It seems every time I turn from You,
I just can’t seem to stay.
My entire life becomes a nightmare,
And only You can pull me through.

Chorus

My life becomes new everyday,
And only Your love renews.
You can bring me through
When I pray to You.

Chorus (2x)



Lean on You (Alleluia)

Since he’s been gone I’ve never been the same,
Since he’s left this place everything has changed.
All the doors of happiness, close in my face.
I don’t know what to do, but to lean on you.

Chorus
When I lean on you I
I can feel your arms around me.
When I lean on you, Lord,
I can feel you right here.
Alleluia oh oh,
Alleluia oh Lord.
Alleluia oh oh,
Alleluia oh Lord.

He cannot comfort me anymore, but you are still here,
He cannot hold me close to keep me safe and warm.
When I am lost you’re there to lead me home,
When I fall down you’re there to pick me up again.

Chorus

You have come to change my heart forever Lord,
My eyes have been opened to a world I‘ve never seen before.
I see your light shine everywhere, in the people around me,
Help me to show, help me to be more like them.

Chorus (2x)


I just thought of the words for this one there is no music to it yet but it still needs lots of work...

Father’s Hands

Since I was a baby girl
I held my father’s hand in mine.
He told me funny stories
From his childhood just like mine.
When I’d fall down
He’d pick me up,
And carry me home…

Chorus
I love you
And miss you
And all the fun we had…
I’ll always remember
The good times… and the bad.
How could I forget
All the times I had,
Holding my father’s hand.

I remember when we travelled,
Travelled to distant lands.
The times we went together
In that big burgundy truck.
That was the time when I played
With the air-lift chairs
To finally hit my head…

Chorus

There in that small house,
So many good memories made.
There was also the bad times,
The cuts and the bruises made.
What happened to the time
That we thought we had forever?
What happened to our lives?

Chorus (2x)


Well thats all I have, you guys can post your own music on here if you want I'd really like to see what people think, write and sing about these days...

Destruction & Restoration of My Innocence

(read all of Ecclesiastes…)

This is my story...
The story of my destroyed innocence.
The story of my... life?
I don't want it to be my life!
All the hurt and the shame...
The sadness and the blame.
These thoughts never leave me;
Always, they come,
From dawn ‘til dusk.
They're there as I sleep
And when I wake.

What are these thoughts? you ask.
Ones of impurity and disgust,
Both of the fear and distrust
Of myself and others with myself…
Is God trying to teach me something
In all these messed up thoughts?
Why can’t things be rewound
And changed for the better?
Imagine turning back the clock
And reliving moments of wrongs,
Changing them to the right moments.

There is so much death!
“A Time to be Born and a Time to Die.” (Ecclesiastes 3:2a)
And so much crying and grieving…
“A Time to Cry and a Time to Laugh.
A Time to Grieve and a Time to Dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:4)
“A Time to Embrace
And a Time to Turn Away.” (Ecclesiastes 3:5b)
I say, embrace your life,
Live life to the fullest of everyday.
Enjoy your life while you still can,
Make right moments not wrong…

What is it with time?
There’s “a Time to Keep
And a Time to Throw Away.
A Time to Tear and a Time to Mend…
A Time to Love and a Time to Hate.
A Time for War and a Time for Peace.” (Ecclesiastes 3:6b-7a,8)
There is also a time to sin
And then a time for repentance.
“‘Everything is Meaningless,’
Says the Teacher, ‘Completely meaningless.’” (Ecclesiastes 12:8)
“Fear God and Obey his commands…” (Ecclesiastes 12:13)

by Tiffany Kennedy

Life’s Never Ending Masquerade

“There is a face that we hide,
Till the night time appears,
And what’s hiding inside,
Behind all of our fears,
Is our true self
Locked inside the façade!”
-- Jekyll and Hyde

Life is a never ending masquerade. Everyday, when we wake up, we pick out a mask in our closets, one that will hide our true selves from everyone. We go out and play our role, as if in a charade. People are trying to figure out if this is our true self, or if it is just the mask that we wear.
We do this same routine everyday and once the mask cracks or breaks, we go back to our closets and pick out a new one. We are afraid of what people would think if they found our true face, the one hidden behind the mask that we diligently put on day after day and take off every night before bed.
We begin to wonder… “Can they see through these layers of masks that I wear?” “Did they see my true self?” Then we begin to tell ourselves that we need to try harder, to be what people want us to be. We also put a wall between our friendships (relationships).
Our friends begin to feel untrusted or unhelpful. They begin to feel that they are not enough, that we want them to be something more; something more real to us. So, on go more masks and charades, trying to impress the world.
Soon we are worried that our friends are changing and falling away, we discover more masks and put those on. Our friends may be changing or falling away because they no longer feel that they know us or that we don’t need them anymore; we have found a new way to make it in the world. Right, like we can make it this way. They feel used and cheap; unwanted and unloved. No wonder they’d leave.
(**Not everyone wears a mask so this may not apply to you.**)

Oh yeah, I've decided (in light of this topic) that for my 18th birthday (which is still quite a ways away) that I'm going to through a masquerade ball/party type thing... It'll be interesting and fun. So start looking for masks or making them and stuff. Love you all!
Tiff

Reflections of Character

Everywhere you look
There is deceit and lies; seduction.
Seduction of the soul,
The mind,
The body.
Our individuality disappearing,
Self image fading in the mirror.
Can you see yourself…?

People tell other people;
This is the cool thing to do,
Everyone is doing it.
Why shouldn’t you?
Go ahead and tell…
Tell that person that you love them
Then walk away
Pulling their heart along the ground.

Go ahead and say…
Say that she should follow…
Follow you and your bad example.
Follow that person there
Or perhaps this one.
Follow this religion here.
Come follow this man
The man with all the answers.

Why not…?
Why not be that pretty or strong?
Why not have a boyfriend? Girlfriend?
Why not be that person?
The popular one?
The skinny one?
The smart one?
The one who has all the fun?

Finally…
Finally you no longer see yourself
Just a blur…
Who are you? What are you?
Who do you live for?
Those people there
Or the one you see right here,
In the mirror…?

By Tiffany Kennedy

Corruption of Mind

"...Since the fall, good and evil has tried to control our lives. We cannot find our identity by the things we do or by the knowledge of things and people. As their identity was based on the knowledge of good and evil, their behavior was in opposition to their created purpose.
...As we judge our circumstances through the self-knowledge we acquired of good and evil, it will keep us away from the presence of God. Flesh fights the Spirit and our mind and conscience becomes the judge instead of God. Our behavior is a reaction to protect our sinful conscience.
Did you never wonder why Jesus repeatedly told us not to judge but to have mercy and forgiveness so that we are not guided by our knowledge of good and evil? Instead, he said, put on the mind of God, which is full of mercy and forgiveness because that is the Kingdom thinking we had before the fall.
...Many times we try to obtain the kingdom with our fleshly efforts of obeying rules never realizing that God is speaking about awakening of the spirit man. The spirit man does not live by the awareness of rules and laws. He lives by keeping alive his desire for God and by having communion with God. The spirit man seeks the law and order of the Spirit, which is not the same as the law, and traditions of man. We need to find a key to awaken the inner man who is asleep or dead due to the effects of the knowledge of good and evil. What is this key to awaken the inner man?
(Matthew 5:6) Righteousness is the key to opening and restoring the life of the inner man. It means to be upright, to be just, fair-minded and having a clear conscience. (Philippians 1:11) To be filled with the fruits of righteousness, means to have the fruits of the Spirit within our minds.
...How do we put on the mind of Christ?
We have to start with a clear conscience before God. To have a clear conscience is to be rid of unconfessed sin and the effects of sin. If we are not rid of the effects of our sin, we will not be able to give God the freedom to move through us. We will still act guilty and our behavior will be a reaction to justify our guiltiness... The person you may have been in the past through sinful actions still causes you guilt and shame. Jesus wants us to be absolutely free from the remembrance of our past lives. If these effects are not washed from our minds, we will carry these tainted thoughts of ourselves into our ministry and relationships with others. We will not be able to be righteous and fair-minded because our judgements will reflect our self-condemnation, guilt, self-hate, anger and criticism. If we have the mind of Christ, our ability to judge will not be the center of our lives, but our center will be the Father, Himself, who imparts into us a new understanding, to understand as He does, frees our conscience through the Blood of Christ.
(Philippians 2:5) Jesus had only one desire and that was to fulfill the Father’s will for his life. He retained the knowledge of the will of the Father in His mind. It was always present before Him. This is the new understanding. Because of the constant awareness of the Father’s will, he could accomplish His purpose in life without regard for His personal suffering.
In the assessment of good and evil, we will not have this all present awareness and knowledge of God. It is because we do not retain the present knowledge of God’s will that our minds become reprobate. This knowledge is the experience of God’s love for us. Without it, self-love dominates our lives.
Reprobate means to make morality bad or crooked. This reprobate mind causes us to turn from our original purpose of creation to yield to the destroyer. We put into action the evil that our mind conceives. This reprobate mind will make a soul desolate as the light of revelation, which gives the soul life, is completely refused. The reprobate mind lives for self-gratification.
By seeking the Kingdom first, we redirect our minds to Christ. This redirection of our mind to be like the mind of Christ, channels our emotions to develop in the fruits of the Spirit. We identify ourselves with Christ’s love to fulfill the Father’s will to restore all men to Himself. We will not identify ourselves by our needs and pleasure, but by His will and pleasure."
-Sigi

In Memory of Shantelle

So I just heard about Shantelle... I really sucks that this had to happen just when she was cured of her cancer! Everything seemed to be going fine! Why, then, would she have an anuerism and die? Could God be trying to tell us all something; that she had put her trust completely in him and he had heard her prayers for help... and now that the message that he does answer prayers he has to show that it is time for everything? A time to live and a time to die... At first I was like, NO, SHANTELLE HAS SO MUCH LIFE, THIS HASN'T HAPPENED TO HER! Then I read her blog and was like, IT'S TRUE... SHE HAS FINALLY GONE HOME TO HER LORD AND SAVIOUR. Shantelle was such a humble person, she always had a kind word to say to you whenever she saw you. You could see her passion for Christ in everything that she did and said. She was a loving mother and wife, she never said any about her family that was bad, she always pointed out the good in them both. She also pointed out the good in life too, even if she had cancer; she was going to do everything in her power to tell the world about God's love and Jesus' sacrifice and compassion for us! In her personality there was charisma and enthusiasm for life and making the most of it, doing all she could do to bring her testimony to the people around her. Her life was that of dedication to God, her family, friends, those of us at camp... It was to everyone that would listen to her message, to her words of wisdom, love, compassion, and peace. When asked about how she felt about having cancer Shantelle's response was this, "I'm living with it; and I'm trusting God, that he will do what he wants done, not what I want. He will do great things with my life, my story..." This was a lady of the Spirit, someone who fully believed in her faith and clung to God as her life-raft. Shantelle was honest; honesty was one reason why I looked up to her. Her honest was true, pure, and simple. She never lacked humility, she would often do whatever she could for you if she knew that you needed the help, even if you didn't. She shared her story this summer with children and youth, sharing her complete faith and love of God. Many times she would come to our devotions and share with us what she thought about dating, marriage, love, anything that our minds would wonder to during our short times together with our cabins and during Grill 'em sessions.
We shared jokes and laughter, played games, shared memories of our lives... She will be sadly missed, but I would like to think of it this way...
- she is no longer suffering in this worlds turmoil
- she is with her Saviour
- she is watching us now
- her laughter is filling heaven with melodies of joy
- we will see her again soon and we will celebrate in heaven together in eternal life and worship God face to face together
We will remember her forever in our hearts and we will forever be reminded of her story, of her faith, of her passion... We will be praying for you Jo, Mikhayla, and family.

My Testimony

I thought that I would just add this little bit of info on myself, though most of you know about it already...

A few years ago, the summer of 2002, I was baptized at Bethel Gospel Camp during our churches Family Camp's. Being raised in a Christian home, I had no major problems, I hung out with my Christian friends, some of which are still really good friends with me, and there has been new additions along the way (not all of them Christian). I enjoyed going to Sunday school and I still do, and I have been going to camp since Teddy Bear (six or seven years old). Though I have slipped now and then in my faith, like many others, I have always had someone there that I could look to for help, to answer my many questions and to give me guidance, sometimes just by watching them practice their faith in everyday life. The past three years, since I was baptized, have been hard but I have been sticking with my faith by the help of all the people here and others from the church family.
Two summers after I was baptized I decided that I wanted to work here at camp with kids, so I took the CIT (Counsellors In Training) course (now called LITE (Leaders In Training and Evangelism)), and went hiking through the bush for three days with no accessories for cleaning. It was an amazing experience and continued to be so last year, when I was a Junior Counselor or JC.
Those of you who CITed with me will know that I had this problem with worrying, I worried a lot about someone in my family dying of cancer. When I was twelve my dad had gotten a form of cancer, the doctors had caught it in time though and in just a few months he was back home going in for scheduled check-ups for many years. I was worried and afraid that either the cancer would come back either, to dad or anyone else in my family, and that the doctors wouldn't catch it in time. One night while I was walking around outside thinking about this I went to Lindsay (my sister, second oldest) and told her my worries and fears. She just said these few words " Stop worrying, and start trusting that God will protect us, and if you start to worry again I want you to say this verse over and over again; 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." That helped me every time I started to worry about anything I would say it over and over again until I stopped worrying (I still do that).
After a few years past I had hardly ever thought about cancer coming back until this past spring when my dad once again fell victim to it, this time it was acute leukemia, one of the worst kinds, the doctors caught it in time but said it would take heavy chemo to cure dad. He went through his week of treatments, just fine nothing went horribly wrong until the last day of the treatment, Saturday morning; when he started to cough up blood from his lungs, they took him down to ICU to clear out the blood, this all went well, but they kept him down there because he was starting to run a high fever. While this was all happening Aaron (my bro), mom and I were at Youth Quake for the weekend and getting these details about dad over the phone, we were a little worried about dad and wanted to go see him, but the doctors said that we shouldn't worry and that everything would be fine. During the night dad had a major stroke on his left side and he wasn't doing very good; we were all glad that we would be heading back to Saskatoon Sunday afternoon.
Mom had phoned Hilary (oldest sister) and Lindsay at school to tell them what was happening and that they should drive to Saskatoon right away. The next day my grandparents, Opa andthat's(thats Dutch for grandpa and grandma), arrived by plane and Aunt Tina and Uncle Keith picked them up from the airport. Pretty soon the whole family had arrived; we sat, prayed and waited and worried, talked with the doctors and knew that whatever happened next they could not prevent it, they could no longer help my father. We waited, prayed and talked amongst ourselves more. Some of my best friends came to help support and comfort; also to say goodbye to someone who had made such an impact on their lives as well. They all impacted me too, even though I haven't really realized it until now, but they have. Everyone could have saved themselves from the pain of seeing my father slowly decaying from the inside, they could have, but they decided that they wanted to be there, they wanted to say goodbye, even if he couldn't respond back.
I will always remember my dad as a strong man, in spirit, emotion, physique, and humour; definitely the humour. He was the joker of the family, the one who made as all laugh together, and unfortunately all cry together too. That Tuesday, March 2, 2005, at the age of fifty-one, my dad went to be with God. For some time I was angry with God for taking away someone who was so important in my life, someone that I still need so much. I wanted him to be there when I graduated or to walk me down the aisle when I had found that special someone, but this was never to happen, God's plans had changed all of that and it hurt me, it still does.
A few weeks after the funeral it hit me that even if dad died he was still here watching me making sure I did what was right or what I was supposed to do. I also realized that I still had a heavenly father too and that He would never leave me alone by myself, my fathers death was for a reason, for some great purpose and plan that God has in someone's life that really needed it, it my have been me, someone else in the family, or maybe a close friend, but it was not meaningless. Nothing is meaningless especially our love for God and my dad loved Him, even if it didn't show all the time even if he got mad occasion occassion, he loved him with everything he had, he served his whole life doing what God wanted him to do.
He loved God's creation which is probably why he loved farming so much, he was alone with Him, out in the open watching deer run across the fields, the growth of his crop, always amazed of how He always looked after him and his family (us). Everyday I drive by the fields when I'm driving alone into town to visit my friends and I can't help but wonder why dad loved what he did so much, but I have figured that out now, iamazementace, amazment, and his passion to serve the Lord the best way he could, he respected natures creations, and I'm sure he always felt bad when some unfortunate little animal dashed across the road in front of him.
Another passion he had were bees; he used to own a small bee yard just down the road where he would collect the honey and nectar, then bring to my uncle's honey farm, where he took a pail of honey home every two weeks. He loved the bees until he found he didn't have the time for them provide money to provid for our needs, so he sold them to my cousin who is working for my uncle and will soon be taking over the family business.
Then he got a new passion, trucking; he did this until the week he went into the hospital (which was amazing considering the condition his body was in). While he worked he met many new people, one was Kelly, his boss. They became good friends over the six or seven years that dad worked for him and when he was gone Kelly couldn't really believe it, they had become such good friends, dad would talk to him about God, but he really hadn't come to faith.
I believe that my dad died for a purpose and Kelly was one of them, he visited my dad and was amazed that he wasn't mad that he was sick, and when he saw us when dad was in IUC, he could see that we were worried and maybe some of us were mad, but yet we didn't blame it on God, instead we blamed it on the sin in the world for sin is the cause of death, but God's love and our faith and belief in Him is our life our eternal life, for we are not of this world. Kelly was impacted by our faith and he still carries that little seed that will one day flourish in his life, filling his soul will the love of Jesus and he will realize that this is what he was missing in his life, this is what he saw in each of us that day, God's love shining in us and our love for Him too.
Life is going on and only the thought that dad is face to face this his Saviour right now is what takes us through everyday with happiness and love, it is what keeps our faith, knowing that dad is no longer suffering in this world and is happy, pain free and probably talking with his father (grandpa, died of cancer when I was six) and his brother (Uncle Gordon, whom I never met, he died of leukemia when he was sixteen) and my cousin (Quenton, died from a farming accident when he was in grade nine), and they are all happy, living in a paradise that is beyond our wonders and imagination.
I pray everyday that dad would be my guardian angel, always watching over me and smile at all the good things that I do, frowning when I do something wrong and know it, laughing when I make a fool of myself, and crying with me when I'm sad, to comfort me when I need it most.

Mercy or Blindness?

Snow is falling on my face,
As I wonder at this worlds fake grace.
Is there anyone who cares
About those who have fallen,
Those whos lifes were shortened?
Thousands of victims of destitution
Wander around such wastelands
Under the merciless gaze of watchmen.
Who will save them from this insanity,
Who will be their salvation?
I see those of sympathy around me.
Will they go rescue them?
No, sympathetic is all they are,
They will never rise to take action!
I see the rich and popular,
Will they come to rescue?
No, they fear what will happen
To their wealth and high standard.
The world has now become a battlefield
With many voiceless and wordless soldiers.
They prepare for war with heavy yokes,
A symbol of their persecution.
I see the youth rising up before them,
Pleading for love and mercy,
For unity within such a vast population.
The watchmen stand in wordless wonder,
Their eyes are beginning to open
As they scan the land before them.
Could they possibly be merciful
For those in such quiet destitution,
Or will they blind themselves
From such destruction?
Snow is falling on my face
As I wonder at this worlds fake grace...

By Tiffany Kennedy

Our First Actual Talk In A Long Time

So yeah, a few days ago while driving home from town to go get our stuff for camping Aaron started to talk about how worried he was about Belinda and their relationship. He told me how he had made her cry the night before and he felt bad about it and worried that Belinda would hold it against him after having such a good time before it was ruined. I told him that Belinda's not the type of person to hold it against him, she was heading to that outcome anyways and it was good that she let it all out. He's been really depressed lately because he knows that she is leaving and that he won't be able to see her as much as he'd like or as much as she would like either, he believes that she hasn't quite realized that she won't see him so often. He's afraid that she'll slip away from him while she's gone in Bethany. I told him not to worry so much, that she would be crazy to just end a relationship with him, he treats her with the utmost respect and is patient and strong when she needs it. She would be giving up so much if that happened and if she did it would break both their hearts (I didn't say that to him out loud). He is so thoughtful, and does so many things that I envy (wishing that could happen to me). Well Joanna you can read this now and write about anything you like, even if is not related to this.

Friends

Okay I got this from a friend who emailed it to me and I just wanted to share it with whoever is looking...

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't? or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own....when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had. * What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye? *What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? *What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore)*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them? *What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?* People live, but people die. And I want to tell you that you are a friend. If you died tomorrow , you would be in my heart!!! Would I be in yours? If you care about me as much as I care about you, you will send this back. You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that. So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life,look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you. Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to the person who sent it to you if you consider them a friend as well. Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will. Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this e-mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and .. always will.. I LOVE YOU!!!! Send this to all the friends that you have...all the friends that you've lost...and to all the friends you've lost touch with...just to let them know that you care...

All those questions aren't that hard to answer really. If you cared that much about someone, take that Leap Of Faith, your heart isn't lying to you because Jesus lives there, He wouldn't lie to you!

Feelings of Loneliness and Whatever Else

So today hasn't been that great of a day... I really don't know what I'm feeling but I'm on the verge of crying everything all out again like I did Wednesday night, late at night. I don't know really what I was crying about, everything probably... I just let it all out. It was silent crying, not the full out bawling, but enough that in the morning I had a headache. I felt good right after that though, I think I fell straight to sleep. No one was awake then either so it was just me and God talking, well mostly me talking and asking the usual questions and some new ones. I miss you guys and hanging out together... this really sucks that you guys are at camp most of the summer, if not, all summer. We don't get to do things together, like camping for a weekend or something because you guys are so tried and need to build up your strength for the next week... I wish I had gotten more weeks at camp but being late and all I can't really do anything about that can I?
Emotions are just rolling through me... Injustice, sorrow, anger, jealousy (don't know why), loneliness, fear (of what?!), shame, worthlessness, and so many more that I don't have a name for... they're just sweeping through me in big waves and any minute I'm going to fall to pieces. I think this has been building up for a few days now already too. Yippy, while all my relatives from Ontario are here I'll have an emotional break down from something I can't even discover. I think I got the injustice, sorrow, and anger ones pinned down, but why all these other emotions? Its all bunching up and this can't be a good thing. To just explode! I'm trying to get it out a little at a time but it isn't working very well, you can't really comfort yourself. Really, what am I doing to myself?! I can seriously hurt myself if I do this, but its almost like I want to just crush my spirit, to make it wither and die! What am I thinking?! Guys I'm really having problems, right now, but I really don't know what they all are, I want to find out everything before I start to sort this all out, I have to sort out whats what. I found a song that describes what I feel in some ways...

Imperfections- Skillet

You’re worth so much
It’ll never be enough
To see what you have to give
How beautiful you are
Yet seem so far from everything
You’re wanting to be
You’re wanting to be

Tears falling down again
Tears falling down

You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you’re drowning
In your imperfection

You mean so much
That heaven would touch
The face of humankind for you
How special you are
Revel in your day
You’re fearfully and wonderfully made
You’re wonderfully made

Tears falling down again
Come let the healing begin

You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you’re drowning
In your imperfection

You’re worth so much
So easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else
No one escapes
Every breath we take
Dealing with our own skeletons, skeletons

You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you’re drowning
In your imperfection

Won’t you believe, yeah
Won’t you believe, yeah
All the things I see in you

You’re not the only one
You’re not the only one
Drowning in imperfection


At least the chorus does...

We Belong Together- Gavin DeGraw

We belong together
like the open seas and shores
wedded by the planet force
we've all been spoken for

[VERSE 1:]
The hammer may strike, be dead on the ground.
a net to my hand, a cross on his crown.
we're done if, who we're undone,
finished if who we are incomplete.
as one we are everything,
we are everything we need.
[CHORUS:]
we belong together
like the open seas and shores
wedded by the planet force
we've all been spoken for

[VERSE 2:]
What good is a life, with no one to share,
the light of the moon, the honor of a swear.
we can try to live the way in which you speak,
taste the milk of your mother earth's love,
spread the word of consciencness you see,
we are everything we need

[CHORUS]
We belong together
like the open seas and shores
wedded by the planet force
we've all been spoken for

All this indecision
all this independent strength still
we've got our hearts on safe
we've got our hearts on safe

someday when you're lonley,
sometime after all this bliss,
somewhere lost in emptiness,
I hope you find this gift...
I hope you find this gift..
I hope you find this gift.

I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!

Let Go & Let God

As children bring their broken toys,
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with way s that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again
and cried, "How can you be so slow?"
"My child" He said, " What could I do?
You never did let go."

A Tear

By Hannah R. Kozlowski
A tear sliding down from the eyes of my soul
Painfully washing away all the dust of the earth,
Trailing to the heart of my being.
A tear falls gently on this tender heart,
The message of needs seen and heard.
The desire to do more, be more overshadows life's Light.
Each new day, every passing dawn, all is unchanged,
It's all the same.
A tear to take away the pain and shame
As it falls to the ground.
Removing the emotion but not my desperation.
The needs seen by my souls eyes.
Cries heard by my Provider.
He assures me he has heard
Promises it shall be done.
I believe and therefore I see
The hand of Love gently growing me,
Watering this garden with all my tears.
My winter is over, there are no buds.
My fall, long removed, yet still no roses.
I know my Father hears.
I know He is working for me!
Oh, my soul, not another tear.

Dad

By Maude E. Flowers
I am here, saith the Lord
Do not despair
Hear what I say, see so much more
No more than you can handle will I give you to bear
Your Dad is now with me
He is doing great
He is full of mirth, we can all see
He keeps my angels smiling and in such a state!
They listen to all his stories
Moses, Jacob and Abraham stand amazed
At all the blessings and glories
This one man so easily phrased
Yes, we blessed him greatly while he was on earth
Now he is here blessing and praising us
Onward Christian Soldiers, he sings with mirth
With a twinkle in his eyes and heart full of trust
He knows we will take care of his family still on earth
He asks that we will comfort them and give them peace
I've known them and cared for them, we said, since birth.
Your Dad is doing well, dear family so fill your empty hearts with peace.

Oh Great God, Be small enough to hear me now

By Nichole Nordeman
There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel's den
And I have asked you once or twice
If you would part the sea again
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
I just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry

Oh Great God, Be small enough to hear me now

There have been moments
When I could not face Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we marched
Around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
I just want to know that everything will be alright

Oh Great God, Be small enough to hear me now

All praise and all the honor be
To the God of ancient mysteries
Who's every sign and wonder
Turned the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I can not keep from whispering this prayer
Are you there?
And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping
Like in Solomon's sweet dreams
But I don't need the strength of Samson
Or a chariot in the endI just want to know that you still know
How many hairs are on my head

Oh Great God, Be small enough to hear me now

Just Feel Like Sitting Down & Having A Good, Long Cry

So today isn't a great day, as you can tell by the title. I feel like just climbing to the top of a mountain and screaming "Whats wrong with me?!" Then I just want to sit and cry til it hurts no more, til all my problems and fears disappear, vanishing into oblivion! I want to know the many questions that life bring up about God and living... Today just everything was making me upset... EVERYTHING! Especially school. I just want it to be done, gone, over with, no more stress of getting good grades or final exams... If the world ended now I couldn't be more happy! But I know I'm not ready for that yet, not even close.

Flood Of Memories

So today I was outside and decided that I was going to take a walk through the trailer before I got ready to go to the parade to march in the band. There was such a flood of mermories in there some good some bad, most about dad. It was like a time warp, and everything seemed as if it would be alright. I looked out the window and saw the field, remember that time when there was a big hail storm and dad had stayed out there to finish swathing, or that time when we were drving home from Ontario and he kept driving even though you couldn't have seen two feet infront of you because it was rain so hard, it reminded Lindsay and I of Noah's Ark. Then if was rushed forward to the time when we first told dad about the cancer, he didn't even care he'd been through this before he had a family by him for support and God will get him through no matter what the outcome. Then it flashed to YQ, the phone calls from the hospital, the news that we had to come right away. At the hospital the crumbling news that they couldn't do anything about this sudden turn of events. Seeing dad for the first time when arriving there... then I flashed back to when dad said he didn't care how he went or when, just that he got to heaven... Then I was was just standing there in the empty trailer looking at a golden field, reminding me of what my father had lived for, planting seeds, growing crops and sending it to grainaries for food production; something he was always happy doing because in his view he was doing it for his family, for the world, and most importantly for God.

Random Thoughts

So lately I've been thinking... Life has many turns in the road. Some will lead you far far away from home, while others will bring you back. Well Rob read that package I got from BBC and he said that it sounds like a pretty good school and that I should maybe go for a couple years instead of one. The problem is money though, like Gill said, it's not cheap to live there, everything cost more than it would here. So now to solve that problem is to find a job, but where? Fields, Saan,... Hey Jess, remember how we both need a job lets go work at Fields or something together! Robin too. It would be more fun with friends around. We could all have the same shifts and stuff... That would be great!
Well, now something else I've been thinking about is Ontario. I'll finally get to see my cousins that I haven't seen for like four years. How things have changed since then... I'll get to see my new cousin Shauna, and I'll get to see Arianna again! It'll be so much fun! And we're flying there... Flyings fun, taking off is the best part about it, and landing just as fun. I miss the DR, the people, the warm of the sun and smiles, the hospitality they are willing to give you even though they have little and you have so much. The school, the Maranga, the beach, the food (except rice), and just the friendships made and the fun we all had. Personal growth was a big part of that trip, if you didn't grow while you were there you would grow so much when you get back, just to see all that poverty then to come home to a big bed, hot showers, 24/7 power and water flow, clean water to drink, and the list goes on... How could you not see how much you are blest with what you have and that its really selfish to just want something b/c someone else has it and its in fashion. Think of those people that are always watching how they spend their money to make sure they have enough for food, clothing, bills, and other necessities that are needed besides toys, electronics, pools, etc. I've been working on that aspect but I tell you its hard when you've been raised in a society that, in order to fit in at all you have to be up to their standards.
Ooo Ooo, camp is going to be here fast just two more months! Two! I'm excited, I've been waiting for camp to start since it ended! It's going to be an awesome year with all you guys and I hope that I have one of you working the same week as me or all of you at the same time, it would be awesome! And all the campers! I hope those from last year will be there when I am there, like some of the girls from my cabin. Aaahhh, I'm so pumped!
Well it's 1:00pm and I really don't have anything else to say just that remember tomorrow is our meeting at my place (sleep over) and that we will be discussing ideas about the possible missions trip in like five to ten years time.

Incredible Urge or Calling?

Okay, so this morning on the bus as I was reading that package that I had gotten from Belast Bible College, I got this weird feeling that I really wanted (like really wanted) to go their, but it also felt like I was being told to go their. I was just reading when this thought came into my head, for no given reason, saying "You should go there, grow with me there, get to know me more deeply..." It was kind of creepy, but I know that I HAVE to go there, no matter what it takes. But one thing I'm struggling with is that, was it really or was I just making it up? Is God telling me to go there or am I just wishful thinking? I'll need to pray and think hard on this because it is my future and I don't want to take the wrong path without God consent.

My Thoughts On My Life

So this is what I think about when I focus on my life and where its going to take me... My first thought is how far I have come in such a short time. Just think of all you have accompished in your life so far and all the things you regret doing in the first place but thought it would be cool to do, like lie or have a relationship with someone you know is not right for you. I can't say I've never made mistakes, there has been SO MANY that I can't even COUNT or RECALL them all, but I know I made mistakes, big and small. The second thought is how far am I willing to go for the things that I want to pursue, am I willing to leave my family so far behind, to just detach them for my life for a year as I go off to bible college in Ireland. Do I want to be what I think I want to be, am I ready for this step, and I have such a short time to make my decsion (one year basically). Will it all be worthwhile or just a waste of time that I could have used for something better. Thirdly, what does my heart truly desire in life. Some conclusions about this that have sprung to mind are; a lover, children of my own, a relationship with God that is so powerful nothing can shake it, and a relationship with my family that is deep and binding. There are other thoughts that race through my mind at lightening speed, like, Is my heart truly set on God? Do I listen to my heart and not my mind? and How can I learn to listen with my heart and soul when I have used the mind over heart theory for so long? Life is an adventure, you take one step and you can't go back only forward to an uncertain future, to places you never knew you could go... Taking the step to accept God and to trust and believe in Him, is one huge step and its journey takes you on many different roads with twist and turns (sorrow, happiness, pain, restoration, eternal life, heaven, betrayal, laughter, anguish, joy, rejection, acception). But everything seems to be balanced between the good things and the bad things, even though we tend to focus on the negative things more often than the positive things, which are way more important and bring us joy and happiness. Like take a minute to think, and really think, about all the awesome things that have happened all your life, then think of all the pain and anguish. Which is better to focus on? What do you like more, the pain? Or the happiness and joy? I would rather focus on the good things, but Satan wants to prevent that by causing us to think of our pain instead. Well don't let him win the battle. Trust in God for He is our strength in times of trouble, He knows our destiny, He is the Director behind the scenes of our life!

My Feelings in a Song

So yesterday I wrote this song (its not quite perfected) and I thought like "wow this is exactly how I feel"! I had written a song on how I felt at that moment about God and the biggest change in my life for the past year! So these are the lyrics but I think they need a little bit more work in some areas but its a start...

Lean on You (Alleluia oh Lord)

Since he's been gone I've never been the same,
Since he's left this place everything has changed.
All the doors of happiness, they are closing in my face.
I don't know what to do, but to lean on you.

Chorus
When I lean on you I
I can feel your arms around me.
When I lean on you Lord,
I can feel you right here.
Alleluia oh oh,
Alleluia oh Lord.
Alleluia oh oh,
Alleluia oh Lord.
Alleluia oh Lord.

He cannot comfort me anymore, but you're still here,
He cannot hold me close to keep me safe and warm.
When I am lost you are there to lead me home,
When I fall down you are there to pick me up again.

You have come to change my heart forever Lord,
My eyes have been opened to a world I've never seen before.
I see your light shine everywhere in people around me.
Help me to show, help me to be more like them.

Opening To True Friends

This weekend had to be the most intense weekend I've ever had! It was so awesome how we all opened up to one another and listened to each others struggles and dark secrets, it help to lighten such a burden from us all. It amazing to know that now I have people to turn to when I need help and to share my feelings about life and its ever present struggles. Like seriously, I wouldn't know what to do without all of you, my greatest friends, people that I know well but am still learning everyday something new and amazing, things that I would never imagine to find in life. If I didn't have you guys as friends I would probably be so depressed right now that I would shut myself away from the world and eventually die of non-existence in the world, of such seclusion. Sometimes I feel scared of what we all shared, like what will happen after we go our separate way in life, will we lose touch or continue on even with the distances? Well I certainly hope that we will never lose touch and that we will always be there for each other when we are having our bad days.