Christmas...

So my Christmas was ok. Family came from Edmonton (first time I've seen my cousin Mitchael since dad's funeral). My uncle Dean watched FIVE movies in the TEN HOURS he was over... We played lots of fooze-ball (I REALLY suck at it). Everyone was here, all of dad's family... I still think sometimes that this is all a dream but, its been almost two years and I know that I'm not dreaming I just wish I was. I've been thinking about all the things that I have done in my life, the good and bad. Mostly the bad I guess. I feel so judged and I believe that I am the one judging myself, not everyone else. Just me. Things are only going to get worse as the year goes on and mom gets more... picky... about where I want to go. She's going to try to keep me as close to her as she can but, really, I'm already far away. I just need a break that she won't give. Time to be completely myself and by myself. Without some of the memories. Why is life so difficult?